About Edwin James

Hand In Hand

Family Re"u"nion

Dandelions

 

 

About Edwin James

My deep personal relationship with my own mental health began twenty seven years ago when a severely depressed, non-verbal, suicidal and much younger version of me was forced into a thirty day inpatient treatment program. Over the next two years, with prayer and medication, therapy, and three subsequent trips to treatment, I set out to turn the world upside down! I did and I found myself at the bottom of the barrel a world away from what I believed life was supposed to be. Happy, joyous, and free!

My dark passenger, depression, anger turned inward, has been at my side every step of the way. Addiction joined the party a few years later. I had to fight back or die.

So, what strategy will conquer being angry at myself...sobriety, good choices, boundaries, positive energy...any means necessary get that shit out of my head!

I discovered writing to be my greatest weapon against the demons in the dark recesses of my mind. The page is my battleground. My pen is my sword. I have become a warrior on the front line facing the enemy everyday and make no mistake, I may lose a battle but I will win this war.

It is my hope for us all that we may find our own unique path to freedom from the ravages and deceit of the mind which serve us not. May we find peace, understanding, and self-awareness.

 

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Hand In Hand
Edwin James
January 28, 2014

I'm not here to judge you, man.
I offer you my hand.
A meal, a smoke, perhaps a drink,
I want to understand.

Tell me what your day is like.
How do YOU survive?
Where do you refill your soul?
Why do you live life?

I'd like to share the same with you,
I trust that you won't mind.
I'm sure we'd find a common ground,
We'd look, we'd see, we'd find.

We're not so different, you and I,
In fact, were most alike.
It's hard to fathom why it is
We face the darkest nights.

This I know to be my truth,
The man that I've become,
The man that I was born to be,
This man will never run.

The journey we now venture on
Made us who we are.
Unique as snowflakes everyone,
Brilliant shining stars!

So take my hand, my brother.
What we could do as friends,
Would be the stuff of heroes,
I'm sure of this, no end.

Where we've been can only serve,
To lead us where we stand,
Shaped and molded over time,
How we became a man.

Where we are now with what we know,
Unspoken, truth revealed,
We're bound to let each other down,
Forgive, forget, and heal.

Where are we going? Time will tell,
Revealed to you and me,
Whatever's felt the others done,
This was our destiny!

I take you now just as you are,
That's always been my plan,
I'll give myself the same way too,
Now, won't you take my hand?

 

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Family Re"u"nion
Edwin James
June 2014

I'm here without you trying to be
the man they all want to see,
I'm broken in pieces, alone in their midst,
Desperate to just be me.

This is the last time I'll be in this place,
I long for the end of this day,
When I take my place with your hand in mine,
Together forever we'll stay.

I stand here with courage and open my heart
To meet them wherever they are.
But know that my spirit is not here at all,
It's with you, wherever you are.

 

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Dandelions
By Edwin James
January 13, 2015

Tonight, in my mind, the sunsets I’ve captured
are slowly fading away.
There’s a chill in the air, a bitter harsh sting,
Foreboding this coming of days.

This journey I’ve taken has challenged each step
I’ve made from the very start,
The outcome? I’ve conquered, I’ve proven myself,
worthy of playing the part.

This role is much different, I’m stricken with fear,
avoiding the spotlight I crave,
My night at the improv, I stand on my own,
this is the bed that I’ve made.

I guess the most frightening feeling I have
is that this time I’m coping alone,
I’ve spared all the drama, emotion, and tears,
I must be strong on my own.

I’m not sure just why, its awful and strange,
this isn't how I’ve dealt before,
I’m never ashamed to admit how I feel,
but normally left wounded and scorned.

I hope that someday I’ll finally see
what consequence comes from the heart,
when one takes a chance to let go of the past,
each new day a fresh start.

I can’t change the past, can’t run from the present,
don't know what tomorrow may bring,
I've got just this moment, to look at myself,
to hear it…my heart as it sings.

To listen to each word my heart speaks to me,
to trust in myself and believe,
I’m ready to face whatever may come
I don't need to doubt I’ll succeed.

I know I’ve had help to get where I am
but as I turn round now to see,
there's no one beside me, I've made it this far,
and mostly because of me.

I call on my courage, my strength, my resolve,
the battle is soon to begin,
Have faith, my dear friends, fear not for my fate,
victory's mine in the end.

It feels most amazing to not have to ask
for others to say I’m okay,
The man in my mirror is sure of my fate
together we will seize the day!

Should I bid farewell before seeing you, friend,
find joy in the truth that I'm free,
know I have peace as I rest here tonight,
the joy that I’ve found being me!

 

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